Always Leave ‘Em Laughing

The devil made me write this blog, and re-post it here.  I get a lot of comments on it, and I have no problem with anyone taking the idea changing it out for your market and using it because I believe in writing with humor. If you like it, use it.  WARNING: This blog post is NOT for the faint of heart

I call it “The Top 10 Reasons I Won’t Show You a Foreclosed Home in Tampa” (Tampa being the keyword in the headline that will get this blog to shop up on a Google search.).

I will show you foreclosed homes if you really insist and twist my arm and  I will bring with me my foreclosure-ready survival kit and you need to bring yours as I have written about below.

10.  The grass, if you can call it that, will be as tall as an elephant’s eye and the landscaping that was there will be growing across the sidewalks making it difficult to walk to the entry door.  Then there is the possibility that there may be living things in that overgrown grass and landscaping.  I suggest wearing waders when approaching any such growth, so pack them or bring them with you.

9.  Once the door is finally opened you will dodge mud wasp nests and spider webs always keeping in mind we have two dangerous spiders that like vacant houses – the Black Widow who spins her web from the bushes to the house and the Brown Recluse who likes to hide behind the lock boxes.  I will give you the code and a can of spider spray, you can yell to me when it is safe to come into the house after you check for spiders.

8.  The power and the water have been turned off, the bank expects me to pay to have them turned on, I think the lender who will make a lot of money on the deal should turn everything on, not me.  Therefore this house will be dark, musty and hot.  I will provide hand held fans and flashlights and nose plugs if needed.

7.  Now here is the really tricky reason I really don’t want to go into a vacant, foreclosed home-we don’t know if it is really vacant.  I suggest loudly knocking on the door as well as yelling as you enter before waving me in, because vacant homes have been known to have residents.  I will arm you with pepper spray.

6.  Now that you have assessed no humans live in this home, please be aware critters may have taken up residence.  If one window has been left open, one door, one dryer vent from the clothes dryer the owners stole there could be critters.  I will provide more pepper spray.

5.  Now that you have assessed the fact that there are no human or animal critters living in this house, look down.  That crunching sound under your feet is not a trail of potato chips, in Florida due to the humidity, they would not crunch.  Those are our state bird – the Palmetto bug also known as the largest flying cockroach known to man.  I have seen some as big as the State of Rhode Island.  Keep the waders on please.

4.  Keeping those flashlights on please train them to the wood moldings and anything else that is wood and I will at this time hand out magnifying glasses so you can get down on your hands and knees and look for sawdust piles.  If you see any then you will know that these are definitive signs of termites or other wood destroying organisms.  Nasty!

3. Please also train your flashlights to the corners of the ceilings in the bathrooms and laundry rooms where you might find mold lurking.  The advice by officials of the power company here is to crack one window on a vacant home so mold doesn’t develop – I guess they would rather have vermin move in than mold.   If there is a swimming pool be advised we do not have green pool paint here that is an overgrowth of algae and who knows what lies on the bottom of that mess.

2.  I know as you walk through these homes you will have noticed that there are no appliances, kitchen cabinets, plumbing fixtures or lighting fixtures.  That’s okay you want to re-design your new dream home to your perspective of what is acceptable.  If you purchase a foreclosure and get all the above cleaned up, killed, and repainted with everything brand spanking new here is the #1 reason I will not sell YOU a foreclosed home.

1.  You may not actually own it.  That’s right after plunking down all that money, doing all that work to make it YOUR dream home YOU MAY NOT ACTUALLY OWN IT and I don’t want to be sued.

(I hope you are smiling – and while I wrote it as tongue-in-cheek, I seriously do not show these properties. I let Larry, my husband, show them, he wears Texas boots I wear sandals.  My friend, Teresa Boardman, in Minnesota wrote me about sliding on ice in vacant homes after reading my blog.)

I apologize for the bug….when I originally wrote this the bug actually got people to read what I wrote-weird huh?

As a last suggestion – as much as I can I use “Greater Tampa Bay” or “Tampa Area” in my headlines.  People are searching by cities – your area is your keyword in your headline.  I hope you all come back

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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